My new soft drink of choice is Diet Vernors.  Here’s what makes it great:

• Ginger flavoring overpowers the taste of aspartame
• Aspartame overpowers the taste of phenylalanine
• Vernors is a Michigan thing
• Diet Vernors tastes very similar to, well, Michigan.
• No calories, no carbs, no caffeine, very little flavor
• Barrel Aged
• In classic “Diet version” color scheme, which makes the packaging seem prescription
• Very tough to find in most stores
• Reminds you of Ginger-flavored Altoids, which are also very tough to find
• Works as 10W-40 (for emergencies only)
• Keeps scorpions away (I have seen none since starting to drink it)
• Reminds you of the finer things in life, like how good it feels to get your 10 cents back
• Sharp can edges assure at least some bleeding
• The sound of the can opening reminds me of the time my tympanic membrane was perforated

That’s all I can think of, although I’m sure that there’s more.