Lexi (2.8) and Malachi (1.6) make a great team, mostly because they have the same two objectives in mind:

1. Find something to eat.
2. Eat it.

Bear in mind that the word “food” never enters the equation. Targets for these objectives can and have included lip gloss, paper towels, pennies, paper clips and cat poop (and that’s just for breakfast). Because of their objectives, Emily and I have our own parental objectives:

1. Discover what child x has in mouth.
2. If not food, demand ejection using fingers and shouting.

Sure, even Dr. Spock would be proud of my parental observations and systems thinking. But there are times where it doesn’t work out. Example? Vernors. This pungent ale is barely suitable for adult consumption as it finds its greatest value in clearing hair-clogged drains. The fact that Malachi found a 2 liter, opened and drank after devouring like 71 of those mini-marshmallows made for a less than ideal meal before Dad played “throw children”, which quickly turned into “throwing-up children”.

Things My Kids Shouldn’t Eat: Vernors + Mini Marshmallows.