It’s that time of year when Dads like me have the unique job of helping the younger kids get Christmas gifts for their mom. My kids are young enough to not have jobs but old enough to eat like grown men, which means this is already costing me a small fortune. Now I have to give them money to buy things for their mom. But it’s worth it.
The conversation during the car ride to the store goes a little like this:
Dad: Okay, kids, we’re going to the store to get your mom something for Christmas.
Kid: I want Fallout 4 for Christmas.
Other Kid: Yes, and I’d like a dog. Or a cat. But not both because that would be absurd.
Dad: Yes, it would be absurd. But remember that our job right now is to get a gift for your mom for Christmas.
Kid: I only have five bucks.
Other Kid: I just spent five bucks on M&M’s and Combos yesterday. They’re all gone, so I guess she’s not getting that.
Dad: Don’t worry, I’ll help you pay for it (translation: I will pay for all of this).
Kid: Well… Hey! We could Mom a new TV! OH THAT WOULD BE AWESOME FOR GAMING.
Other Kid: Yeah, or a cat. Or dog. Yeah, mom would like a dog.
Dad: I… think you’re both projecting a little bit here. The point is to get something for your mom that she’ll really like.
Kid: I got it — candles. Like 40 candles.
Other Kid: I bet she’d like ice cubes.
Dad: Thankfully this store sells both.
It all worked out. They chose (****************REDACTED******************) and a (*******REDACTED********) that I think she’ll really like.
By the way, they were this close to blowing the whole thing because when we got home they carried the bags into the house, as they always do, and put them right in her eyesight. Had we wrapped them yet? Of course not. Avert your eyes, my love. Your children have done well, and they love you very much, but Christmas isn’t yet.
I do like being a dad. I really do. And no, we didn’t get the ice cubes.