Yesterday was Valentine’s day, marking what was once the Feast Day of the patron Saint of love — St. Valentine. I’ve noticed that people usually align themselves with one of three perspectives concerning what is sometimes known by its nickname “Valentimes”:
People who happily observe Valentine’s day. These folks are usually in some kind of relationship OR they hope to be by midnight. There is a dip in observation as a relationship goes on, especially if there is a correlation of multiple children. For example: Emily and I have been married for 9 years and have been together for 11 Valentines Days. This reduces observation by only a few points to about 90%. Add three children, valued at a reduction of 10% each, and this takes us to a level of 60% observance. This means that we will only be able to do about 60% of what we would have done early on. Before you draw conclusions, listen close: we’re both tired enough to drift off to the soothing sounds of Jeopardy, airing at 7:30/6:30 central. That’s just how it is with young children, and that’s okay. However, as we get older — that is, as I get older and Emily remains the same age — this number will actually begin to skyrocket, with a feature story about “the couple that made it 100 years” on the front page of a futuristic newspaper (USA Tomorrow) featuring our Valentine’s day observance at or around 109%.
People who don’t care about Valentine’s day and/or just discount it altogether as any kind of holiday. Some students in my Speech class cited the intense need to vomit when they see others being all makey-outey in public, especially on Valentine’s Day. “I just wanna walk in between them and break them up forever” said one discounter. Another student talked about their frustration with the fact that Valentines day is “just for people in love and not friends”. I humbly disagreed, citing the fact that Malachi (age 5) brought a handful of valentines cards to his classmates, none of which are even remotely romantic. At least not yet, since there is a girl who might travel with him through school and end up being his high school sweetheart dash wife. Who knows? And this is why people dislike Valentine’s day. Such pressure.
People who use Valentines day as an opportunity to consume delicious Valentines candy. The reality is this: whoever came up with the recipe for those Reeses Peanut Butter hearts needs a raise. When it comes to silica gel and brown dye #37, imitation peanut butter is truly the best. And if you’re looking for chalk that has been imprinted by a dot matrix printer with red ink, look no further than candy hearts. “I LUV U” or “PAGE ME” or “GROOVY”. While there is no expiration date, you can be sure that some should not be eaten based on the timefulness (opposite of timelessness) of the printed message.
It doesn’t matter where you end up on the scale. Just be sure to buy a bunch of those Reeses hearts before they get replaced by Reeses Easter Eggs. Mmm… clearance.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized
. Bookmark the permalink