I was in a store yesterday and noticed that the back-to-school sales are in full swing, where paste and glue fight for shelf space and a college versus wide-rule debate gathers steam. Will we get a ruler or a protractor? Wire bound? #2 or #2.5 pencils? Where are the #1 pencils? Are there even #1 pencils, cuz that’s the one I want! Do I get the 48 pack of crayons or the 64? Dare we purchase the 128 pack of Crayola, which requires a prescription? Too much pressure!

Don’t worry. I have the back to school supply list that those fat cats in Washington don’t want you to know about:

1. Pepper spray. Listen: anything you need can be gotten if you have pepper spray. “Don’t pepper me, bro!” will be an oft heard phrase, followed by scared classmate handing you his protractor. You can use this handy tool — pepper spray, that is — to get all your school supplies from other students.

2. A 5 gallon paint bucket. You pick the color. Why? Every art project done in a matter of seconds: one quick roll and you’re on your way to an early recess!

3. Pepper spray antidote. This is a must because those things’ll rust up and go off on you when you least expect it.

There you go. Pepper spray and paint. A whole semester on $70.00! I’d like to see someone beat that at their local school supply store.