USA Today (gone tomorrow) ran an article concerning the new Apple iPad. If you haven’t yet heard of it, I envy you because it means you’re truly “off the grid” — and there are days that I wish I could be the same. Nonetheless, if you’ve not yet heard of the iPad, let me tell you a little about it. First off, it’s not a laptop. Lots of people, especially those who dislike it, are mad that it’s not a laptop. “It’s all well and good, I guess, but where’s the keyboard!?!” is just one of the many complaints from “techies” that “wish” there was a “keyboard” for this “tablet computer” that is not a “laptop”. Let me address this issue:

1. It’s not a laptop. Looking for a keyboard on an iPad is like wondering why there’s no VHS slot on your new BluRay and complaining about it to all of your friends who also have seasons 1-3 of Battlestar Galactica recorded in SLP on 2 tapes.

2. Okay. You want a keyboard. Fine. Here.

Also, the iPad is, sadly, not a phone. Some people are absolutely furious at Apple and wonder why, when buying a tablet computer, they can’t make long distance calls and apologize to Grandma for what happened at Christmas. “This is a tablet computer! Why is there no dialing keypad?” is just one of several exclamations I’ve come across as I read about the horrible failings of this new tablet computer.
I know, I know. You can’t trust marketing. When they say things like “this is not an iPhone”, you just don’t know what to believe. Here… let me address this issue:

1. There’s just no other way to say it. It appears that you will have to use a phone for all of your phoning chores.

2. Okay. You want to make calls on your iPad. Fine. Here.

Some people wonder what was going through Steve Jobs strangely shaped head and turtleneck when they say what everyone is thinking: “It doesn’t support flash? When will people realize that flash is here to stay?” Good point. Some internet sites have had pity on the Apple CEO, who clearly could use the charity given the bad decisions he’s made in the past. Websites like CNN, Netflix and others are enabling their sites to speak HTML 5, which, as we all know, is hooey. If you will, and, because I’ve set the precedent in the preceding paragraphs, allow me to address this issue:

1. We will laugh at the things we bicker about today. I remember as a child arguing with my parents about not getting my allowance until after I picked up processed Kibbles’n’Bits in the back yard. Did we have an iPad back then? No! We had a Commodore 64 hooked up to a HUGE cathode ray television that gave me the equivalent radiation dosage of 7,000 x-rays.

2. Come to think of it, I’m starting to wonder why Apple didn’t put a 5 1/4″ floppy drive on the iPad? At least give it to us as an optional peripheral! Man. Now I’m starting to see why some people dislike this thing so much. I want my Radar Rat Race loaded the old fashioned way — from a noisy, cranky, angry floppy disk with a furious red light that just won’t stop blinking! Loading from a cartridge is acceptable, too.

Again, if you’re not aware of the controversy surrounding the poor decisions regarding the iPad, then I’m glad I could get you up to speed. Of course, it’s not like anyone is going to buy these things anyway, right?