I’m going to begin with a comparison that will lessen the risk of confusion.

Whole Foods is a grocery store in Ann Arbor (and other places) that sells organic and health-oriented foods. Think free range. Think whole grain. Think flax-seed chickens. Whole Foods sells products that are and alternative to preservative-laden foods with ingredients like Phenalbarbatol and Sodium Byhethanal #13. This is Whole Foods. Oh. A reminder: bring your reusable shopping bag. Thank you.

Hole Foods, on the other hand, are food items with holes in them, namely donuts. Granted, your finer donuts have a filling that necessitates a lack-of-hole, but the classic Homer Simpson-esque donut (complete with pink frosting — see season 2) will always have a hole, so that, you know, you don’t feel like a pig since there’s an eye in this cholesterol storm. Ingredients? Oh, whatever that guy put in there to make them taste awesome. After the correct level of awesome is reached in the dough part, it is then deep fried and coated in, well, some sort of coating. Billions of donuts are sold each week, which explains why so many holed-pastry outlets are open 24 hours. This is Hole Foods. Oh. A reminder: do not bring a reusable shopping bag. Thank you.

Some people say to you: “let’s go to Whole Foods”, which sounds like both “whole” and “hole”. Because it is a homonym, you will have to assume from the general smell of granola coming from their burlap shirts that they truly want to get organic cheese and not Bavarian Cremes.

Someone else might say: “let’s get some Hole Foods”, which, again, may sound more like “whole”, but because you are pulling into the Dunkin Donuts lot, you will have to assume that they would like deep-fried pastries and don’t have any interest in buying preservative-free food that will rot before you get home.

What a wide variety of food choices we have in these fifty nifty United States! I find a home in both camps. I’m never going to be a health nut, but I do appreciate Kashi cereal. For a kid who grew up looking for luck in some cerealed charms, it’s probably a good place to be. At the same time, I’m never going to throw goat cheese at bakeries, since we need them (both bakeries and various goat cheeses).

Is there such a thing as a Whole Grain, Free Range Organic Jelly Donut that I can dip in Sugar?