Penguin Rules

We spent most of yesterday at the Detroit Zoo, home of lions, tigers and bears. The Detroit Zoo is also home to a penguinarium that smells, strangely enough, like fish. You’d think that it would smell like penguins. Like me, though, you would assume incorrectly. Those penguins have a certain way of living which I will outline here on radblog:

1. Penguins must look ridiculous. This is vital to their survival in captivity, since everyone knows that zookeepers tend to feed the most ridiculous looking animal first. Have you ever noticed how big elephants are? They have vacuum cleaners for noses, which looks ridiculous — oh, and they’re HUGE. My zoological theory is that elephants have gotten larger over time due to overfeeding in captivity. My guess is that elephants were once no larger than a common feline. So, if this theory is correct, a ridiculous looking penguin will eat well, since we all tend to throw things at weird stuff.

2. Penguins must not let the world in on their little secret, namely, that they can fly. Lying buggers. If I could fly, I would most certainly tell at least someone. For those of you who remember the TV show “The Greatest American Hero”, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Or not.

3. When swimming, penguins must move with grace and beauty. When walking, penguins must move as if they slipped and fell the wrong way, landing all too perfectly on a pointy stick.

4. The smell of fish must be abundant, since it overpowers the even more pungent smell of penguins. For penguins, fish is a deodorant.

As far as I can tell, these are the rules of the penguin at the Zoo, be it Detroit, Toledo or even San Diego. I’m guessing.